Ostara is a time for new beginnings, also for letting go of the things that have hurt you and continue to hurt you. As one of my friends said “it’s like removing the bad seeds so you’ll get the most beatiful garden of the whole town!”
So I started off with letting go of relationships that no longer serve my best interest. I wrote letters to all the people I no longer talk to and no longer have intentions of interacting with and burned them, while feeling the old hurt, annoyance and anger leave my body. That have already helped me.
Then today I planted seeds of flowers in two eggshells, one have written “spiritual growth” on it, and the other has “motivation” written on it. Now, there’s nothing more to do than to help by working opmlre in these things myself and nursing the plants!
its so late and I just got home. I’ve been writing letters to people I no longer speak with and burning them. And tomorrow morning I am going to plant flowers in eggshells with intentions of spiritual growth and growing motivation! 🙂
I’m probably going to write more about it all tomorrow just wanted to check in!
Ostara is coming up! Does anyone have any small rituals/things to do?
Because I have an appointment with my mom to… uh I don’t know what it’s called exactly, but it’s almost like a Solaria, but with lights which helps your skin heal instead. After that we’re going shopping. I don’t know when I will be home, but probably late, and I know myself well enough to know, that by then, I probably won’t have energy to do anything too big.
Also I don’t know why but I’ve noticed that I feel very uneasy riding the train in the morning, and being around people I don’t know. Only in the morning, odd enough.
How are you going to spend your Ostara? 🙂
Well. Today was my birthday. It haven’t been too great to say the least. It started up pretty nice with casual breakfast. Then I found out the shop I ordered a dress from is a scam. I’m going to the bank tommorow to try and see if I can get the money back. Well that didn’t bring me down too much. But then my brother came home. And my dad was with him. I haven’t seen my dad in almost 3 years. That’s something I choose because he’s mentally abusive (I think that’s what it’s called) and very very manipulative. I won’t get into detail because it’s something I’ve talked so much about with so many different people that it’s honestly just exhausting and boring to talk about now. Anyways, my dad came by and wished me happy birthday. I just thought what the hell the fastest way to get him out is to play along. So I just thanked him, he then wanted a hug, which I gave him. He also gave me a letter. I noticed that he smelled quite a lot of alcohol. Then he started crying, inviting me to Spain with my brother and saying that he wished we could see each other some more. I didn’t answer that, I just thanked him again and then he thankfully left.
Well in the letter it says that he knows that he have made a lot of mistakes and that he loves me. And it contained 150 dollars. I was kind of relieved that he now admits to have made mistakes and doesn’t acuse me of anything, like he used to. It shook me up a bit of course. I am probably going to take a talk with him and tell him that I’m not angry at him or hate him. I just can’t be close with him.
But anyways my brother always get really really sad whenever anyone else gets sad… I think he might be an empath actually. So as we ate dinner he began crying because my dad was sad and I had been sad. He didn’t want people touching him or anything. My dad apparently is only going to be home 64 days a year from now on. He’s going to be working in South Korea. I’m kind of mad about that. Because he still puts the money before my brother. I’ve always been kind of a parent for my brother because my dad couldn’t and I know that’s wrong but. I want to talk with him about that too. I Want him to put my brother first and at least keep a close relationship with him. Or else he’s going to lose him too.
Despite all this I’m somehow still very positive about today 🙂
Phew I’m just going straight to bed now. I didn’t even get to do that spell I wanted to do. Goodnighty.
So a long time ago, when I didn’t know anything about astral projection or anything spiritual at all, I got sick one day. So naturally I was home from school.
My mom came in to say goodbye, and after she left I fell asleep. When I woke up I turned on my tv and watched the news. There really wasn’t anything special about that. Until I noticed a person sitting in my bed, by my feet with their feet on my table. The person didn’t seem threatening at all, they seemed like they were protective of me. That’s when I suddenly knew that I was still asleep, so I tried blinking to wake up,when that didn’t work I tried to open my eyes with my hands (I could still see everything, but I somehow just knew) when that didn’t work either, I panicked and finally woke up. Weird enough I was very calm when I woke up. But I felt uneasy with staying in my bedroom and moved into the living room and sat on the couch. I told everyone about that “dream” and how weird it all had been and how it all seemed so real and swore that I could feel everything like if I was awake. But, I couldn’t remember the persons face. Only their silhouette and body language and protectiveness.
Now, years later I suddenly remember the person…that was Loki. I think he “let” me remember this now, because I’ve been worried about him being mad at me or leaving me, and our communication right now is well… We have to work on that. And it wouldn’t make sense to leave me when he have been with me, even when I didn’t even believe he existed..
The memory just makes me wonder exactly how long he have been there for me, without me knowing. I’m really really touched that he have even been there for me, when I didn’t even believe in him…. I’m seriously crying. I almost never cry…
How long does the gods even follow us? If someone made a oath to them and then died would the God still be there for them even if they’re an entirely new being/ person?
This is the lightholder I was talking about. Sorry for the bad picture, I only have my iPad to take pictures with so.. Today I also got some ginger/ orange tea for us.
Today is the first day in a long time that I’ve been able to feel Loki’s precence again, which is very comforting. He usually touch my arm or something to let me know that he’s there (his touch, at least to me feels really warm, almost burning but not unpleasant) ,but it’s been a long time since he haven’t had to do that.
I’ve also been meditating on opening and cleansing my chakras. When I got to my throat chakra it felt like a thread just ‘popped’ the rest open. That was a really weird experience. It was a really long meditation, 2 hours. That’s at least a long time for me, but it was definitely worth it. I feel much more grounded and comfortable now. 🙂
So the psychiatrist was really sweet. She had Christian stuff all over the walls and the entire bookshelf was bibles and Christian books, so I’m a bit nervous about how she’s going to react to my religion. I’m 89% sure she won’t care though. I got a new time there the 24th, looking forward to that. She talked about how it’s very important to break Old bad habbits, which I agree 100% on and I’m so ready to start new things and finally move forward. I also have to draw/ paint 3 drawings/ paintings which I think express how I’m feeling and we’ll talk about that. She said that she was surprised that I was so calm, I wonder what she had expected.
After I was done there I drive with my mom to the garden shop. That was super nice. I found a cobber/ glas (don’t know what it’s made of) candleholder thing which I felt just screamed Loki, so I bought it. I may post a picture of it tommorow 🙂
Ive gone early to bed so I have lots of time to meditate, so that’s what I’m going to do now 🙂